I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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