quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
