sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
