pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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