you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
