I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
