He kissed a someone with a penis
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
