there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is it because I queefed?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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