the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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