I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Boobs are out for the taking
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
