Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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