Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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