last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
