Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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