I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
