Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
