Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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