Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
