I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
