Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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