please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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