somebody snuck up and got me drunk
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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