today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
