my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
