i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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