Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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