Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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