I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
