Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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