life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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