Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
