my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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