so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
