So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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