the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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