T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
