The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm always down for nudity.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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