this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
