Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my shit smells like andre
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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