Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
