I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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