Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
