so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
