Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
