This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
