She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
