she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
