I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
