I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
