You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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