happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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